Social norms, unwritten rules, and the Horrors when you break them.

It is invisible, it is respected, it is unwritten, and it is law. I’m writing today about something that need not be transcribed on paper, but that we follow as instinct. This elusive force is woven into the fabric of our society, and in every society ever on earth. This is so valuable, so integrated, and so vital to us, that if ever violated, we are stunned, shell shocked, and utterly speechless. I am describing of course, our social norms.

Social norms establish how we interact with each other. These are learned behaviors that we pick up on our own from very early in life. It is a form of conformity, safety and normalcy. We keep society together using these rules of interaction, and feel oddly out of place if another dares not to also follow suit.

Some examples of these unwritten rules for life include: Do not eat soup with a fork, and don’t invade someone’s personal space.

We are so conditioned to obey these simple ways of being, that violations of the general rule often embarrass and ostracize the offender.

With it being so offensive to people when a social norm is broken, it makes it very fun and interesting to experiment on. Allow me to explain:

While in college, I took a great Social Psychology course with a very eccentric professor. She loved nothing more than to make her students feel uncomfortable, in an odd, educational type of way that was meant to enhance our learning, (We really hated her at first for this, but then thanked her later). She assigned us a project, and to our horror we were tasked with going out into public, breaking typical social habits, and reporting back what abuse we inevitably would bring onto ourselves for doing this.

My friend John in the class, was brave. He decided to take on the ultimate Taboo. John took it upon himself to enter the men’s room with only one other man present there inside the room, he waited to see which urinal the man selected, then John bypassed all of the other open urinals, and selected the urinal right next to this man for himself. Needless to say, John exited the men’s room quickly after almost getting into a fight.

The social norm would have been to keep a distance of at least a urinal or two from the other person, since there was an entire row of them free of use at the time. John violated the other man’s personal space, making him uncomfortable. Feeling threatened by John’s disrespect of an unwritten rule, the man almost punched John right in the face.

Now, my task was not as daring as John’s, however it made the company I was with, and myself very uncomfortable. I chose to terrorize an elevator full of innocent geology students. I entered the elevator, full of 4 other people. I stepped in, the doors shut, and with my heart pounding in my chest, I turned and faced away from the doors and towards the group. I stood close to them, as I loudly introduced myself, and started some very assertive small-talk. I could see the other students squirm with discomfort, and avoid eye contact with me. I could sense their social panic.

The normal elevator code of conduct is another unwritten one, but very well ingrained into our American psyche. Elevator riders enter, face the front, a quick nod of hello is all that usually is needed or wanted as far as conversation goes, and riders give each other as much personal space as possible.

I knew I had disrespected the people of the elevator, and I felt terrible. I couldn’t understand why I felt so deeply wrong, but I did. I ended up running after the students upon exiting the elevator with an urgent need to explain myself, that it was an experiment, and that I was not really a creep. Instantly I felt better as they smiled and laughed. They understood me, forgave me, and ended up with a funny story to tell their classmates the next day.

So, now that you can see the importance of these unspoken guidelines, how do social norms impact us in business?

Here in the United States and Canada, when we meet a new college or business partner, we shake hands. Shaking hands is a valued sign of respect, as well as a polite “Hello, nice to meet you”. However, other countries have different means of conveying this exact message, and these gestures can mean something very different to us. Recently when meeting some colleagues from France, they greeted me with a kiss on the cheek. Now, I have spent time in Europe, and thankfully understood the normalcy of this for them. However, many other Americans would find this strange, and a little bit uncomfortable. The French joke about how this simple and innocent act of, “hello”, freaks out most Americans. You see to them our response is funny, because they think Americans take kissing too seriously as a sign of intimacy, rather than just a polite gesture. “They are so serious and rigid”, one said about Americans.

Another more known social convention takes place in Japan.  There, the social norm is to bow when meeting another. Bowing is a sign of respect to the Japanese people. Other western cultures may not understand this, and reach out with a hand for shaking, although doing this may be unknowingly violating a social norm, and deeply offend the other person.

Social Conventions can be confusing for people of all cultures when taken out of their home environment. Europeans don’t understand tipping your American waiter, Americans don’t understand how a handshake could be the wrong choice when saying hello, and some people in other places may slap you in the face for accidentally showing them the bottom of your shoe.

In Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, act one: Scene one, Samson simply biting his thumb at another incited a fight in the street!

It’s very important to learn and understand the social norms of those around you. It is vital to be aware to avoid offending others, or being offended yourself. Social norms are so powerful, so significant, and so central to society. TrainUp can help you understand the accepted standards of human interaction, diversity, and sensitivities needed to make sure things go right.

 

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